Confessions of a bad mom?

Madison loves to be held. If she had her way, I would NEVER put her down. She cries when I put her in her car seat. She is not a big fan of her swing. She is not a good sleeper unless you held her.

And let’s be honest. I may be contributing to that love of being held/hatred for being put down. I love to hold her. I could just sit for hours holding her with her looking up at me. It is precious time.

So, I will admit it. I have been a “bad” mom. An “irresponsible” parent. Since shortly after I brought Madi home from the hospital, she has slept with me. Before i had Madi, I always swore that my kids would never sleep in bed with me. Well…for the first month, she slept on my stomach. Yup, that meant I didn’t really sleep. But man did she. She has always been a good sleeper, never gotten her days and nights confused…as long as she was being held.

About 2 weeks ago though, I decided it was time to start transitioning to her crib (well…pack-n-play). When I would put her in there though, she would wake up. She would be in the deepest of sleeps, I would put her down, and 30 seconds later she would be wide awake. I tried all sorts of things. Put her in her carseat to sleep (HA!), put up a new pack-n-play with a slightly softer mattress, attempted to put her in her crib (a part is defective and we have to wait for a new part to be shipped…it would help if i got my butt in gear and ordered the part). Nothing worked. Except…she would sleep if I laid her down next to me. GASP! I have broken the cardinal rule! I slept with my baby next to me! What if I suffocate her?!

Not to make light of the situation, because these accidents do happen and they are absolutely devastating. And in all honesty, if that were something that would happen to me and Madi, I don’t know that I could really ever get over it. But…Madi laid perpendicularly to me. That is, if I were to roll over, I would have rolled on to her feet. She really wasn’t in much danger….or at least that is how I justify it to myself.

Anyway, lying in bed next to me, she slept like a champ. 4-5 hours at a stretch, just waking to eat and then going right back to sleep. She generally sleeps from 10ish at night until 10ish in the morning. Well, with her sleeping next to me instead of sleeping on top of me, I actually started to get some sleep too.

Well, in the last few days, Madi has really gotten stronger and started to be able to scooch a bit (certainly not much as she sleeps all swaddled up). Additionally, I have found myself starting to crave the ability to stretch out a bit. As you can imagine, having her lie sideways in bed takes up a bit of room…I was pretty much hugging the edge of the bed. So, I decided it was time. We were going to fight the fight and get her to sleep in her pack-n-play.

Last night was the first night. I was ready, in for a fight. What’s a few nights without sleep, right? Wrong. i rocked Madi to sleep, put her in her pack-n-play and there she slept. She slept the exact way she always sleeps. She first woke up at 2:30am. Then she went back to sleep and slept until 6. Then she ate and slept until about 10:30 this morning. I guess she was ready for the transition. 🙂

But was I? well, I did wake up several times to check on her…but I slept so well. I will continue to rock her to sleep and probably hold her through the occasional nap. But yes, I was ready.

So am I a bad mom or irresponsible parent because I let Madi sleep with me? Well, it is certainly not ideal and you may think I have committed the unforgivable sin. But I am not so sure. All I know is that I could not love Madison any more than I do. She is my world. And sometimes we do what we need to do despite what might be ideal. And for the last few weeks, we needed to co-sleep. I could have left that information out of this post and no one would be the wiser, but then it wouldn’t be an accurate picture of our story. I am 100% sure that there will be a future time when I will again do something that is not ideal. Judge if you want, but I am ok with it. 🙂